Hey mom, has it been hard finding yourself after motherhood?
Have you been struggling with finding yourself after baby?
Do you feel like your life is over after having a baby?
If you’ve found yourself resonating with any of these questions, it seems you’re no stranger to the motherhood identity crisis and this article is just the one for you.
Before I began my journey of being a twin mom, I was told that it’ll be like nothing I’d ever experienced before and I mean, of course, it would be because I’d never had babies before so I expected it to be a whole new ball game. However, the little I was told about how things would change never prepared me for what was to come.
There was the emotional rollercoaster that I went through daily, learning to understand and navigate the changes my body went through, and then there was the part about how my relationships changed. The mental discombobulation I experienced, quite simply put, altered my very existence.
If you’re still reading, it means that you know exactly what I’m talking about.
There’s nothing quite like becoming a mom. It’s a transition that can be exhilarating, but also terrifying. You’re no longer taking care of only yourself, but now you have a tiny human being/beings counting on you for every aspect of their life/lives. This can make for a challenging time and as much as we’d like to think that we’re prepared, the truth is, there is no way to know exactly what kind of struggles you’ll face as a new mom.
One day you’re reveling in the joy of your little one and the next you may find that you’re asking how to find yourself after having kids because you’ve lost yourself in motherhood.
It gets even more challenging when you start to question how you’ll know if you’re being a good mom. You go on social media or out for a grocery run and every other mom you see seems like they have it all together while you’re barely managing to keep it together. This puts you in a state of overdrive because now you’ve started to overcompensate for not feeling like you’re the perfect mom.
Now that you’ve managed to turn yourself into a machine by being in this constant state of motherhood, taking care of your children and seeing to their every need, there’s just one problem, the most important thing gets overlooked: taking care of yourself!
We’ve identified the issue, let’s ask ourselves some questions before we get to the solutions. These questions are important simply because these are some of the key areas that’ll bring success in finding yourself after motherhood.
Does motherhood change your personality?
Yes, motherhood does change your personality. For the most part, it may not even be a bad thing. On the one hand, a certain level of growth comes with being a mom that can be empowering. On the other hand, you might resent the maturity you’ve gained, missing that time when you were fun and carefree.
I found I wasn’t as extroverted as I used to be. I wanted to be out less and wanted to talk to others even less. For some time I resented that this was who I’d become until one day a good friend of mine made me realize that instead of fighting my way back to who I was, try to look at it as maybe this was who I needed to be in that moment.
Before you start to panic and think that you should just accept who you are now even if you’re unhappy, hear me out. My time of introspection helped me to see that maybe there are other moms out there who may have changed just as I did and may exist in a space where they’re unsure of what is happening and how to move forward and I could help them see they’re not alone and their feelings are valid.
I found my purpose outside of motherhood in the changes I went through and decided to embrace them, and if I could use it to impact the life of even one person then my goal would’ve been achieved.
My advice to you is to use this time to reflect and rediscover yourself so you too can find your purpose outside of motherhood.
Are you worth the effort?
“Why am I not worth the effort?”
Have you ever found yourself asking that question? If so, take a deep breath and let the guilt and tension go because you are not alone. It’s also not a fault of your own. It is actually a byproduct of what was mentioned before when you focus all your energy and attention on your role as a mom and you get left behind.
Yes, you are worth the effort. You are worth the time it takes to love yourself. You are made worthy.
This is how you begin to build a relationship with yourself, how you learn to love yourself and fall in love with the version of yourself that is more than just a mother, more than just a partner, and more than just your responsibilities.
What are some of the ways to love yourself?
Now that you KNOW you are worth the effort and worthy of love, let’s look into how to fall in love with yourself again.
Be your own best friend.
Let that sink in for a moment.
What does it mean to be your own best friend? It means that you are your biggest cheerleader, you are kinder to yourself, you are more gentle with yourself and you believe in yourself.
It sounds silly, doesn’t it? But think about how you are with your best friend. When he/she is feeling down what do you do to make them feel better? If he/she is being hard on themself, what do you say to them? You tell them they’re doing their best and they should go easier on themself, right?
Imagine if you do that for yourself whenever negative thoughts come around. How much more loved would you feel?
Take time for yourself. This can be difficult when you’re caring for children, but it’s important to carve out some “me time” every day. Even if it’s just 15 minutes of peace and quiet while they nap or are playing quietly nearby, make sure that you get some quiet time to recharge your batteries and focus on yourself instead of everyone else around you.
Do something just for fun or pleasure each day, week, or month and make it a part of your self-care and self-love routine. Something that gives you joy no matter how small it is. I started small and then gradually added more things to my list.
Simple Self-Care Ideas For Your Self-Love Journey
Go outside and blow some bubbles. Fun fact, one day I was feeling overwhelmed and went outside with the babies to blow some bubbles. It started out as something fun to do with them then I found myself relaxing and releasing the tension in my body more and more. With each inhale, I’d think of all the things that were bothering me before and then release them with each exhale. Then, I’d visualize those thoughts being carried away from me by the bubbles. After that fun exercise, I went inside and told my husband I wanted more moms to know about this little hack I found and he thought I should too and voila, the idea of “For Mom’s Ache” was formed. See my favorite bubbles solution below.
Read a book. I discovered my true love for reading after becoming a mom. I used to read before but never this much. It started as something to pass the time and keep me company when I had to be up at odd hours of the night and blossomed into something that has become a part of my being.
It’s also something that my husband and I recently started to bond over. It started off with me listening to a book on my Audible subscription and him making a comment here and there about something that happened. Now I search for books to listen to when we’re in the same space together working on our businesses. I also recently discovered my love of women sleuths book series and cozy mysteries and make them a part of my daily self-care routine.
Get your hair done. A fresh hairdo always makes me feel brand new. It can help with giving you a good boost in confidence!
Get a manicure and/or pedicure. I try to do this every week or every other week and it never fails to make me feel shiny.
Wear underwear that makes you feel confident and powerful. I call it my power suit. This isn’t something you see every day but speaking from experience, this can boost your confidence in so many ways. It’s almost like you’re unstoppable in whatever you’re doing because you’re wearing a matching set that sends you good vibes throughout the day.
Get physical. If you find your muscles screaming at the very idea, don’t worry, I’m on to something here. Exercise helps to get you in shape both physically and mentally. It helps to release endorphins that boost your mood and it also helps you to feel like you are taking back control of your life.
Practice using words of affirmation. I will forever sing the song of using affirmations to set the course of your day. Think of affirmations as words of appreciation and thanks quotes that you use to show just how much you love yourself. Write them down, hang them in your living space, or have them on something you use daily. Having some physical reminders of how amazing you are can be the start of learning to love yourself something fierce.
Finding yourself after motherhood can be difficult and uncomfortable. It has the potential to make you face some harsh realities, but it can also be thrilling. It can create the potential for exciting new beginnings and breathe new life into who you are.
It is important to find a balance between being a mom and self-care. We often skip this step but in finding yourself after baby you have to take it into account.
Focus on yourself first. Build yourself up first. Learn to love yourself first. Then you’ll be able to pour into your relationship with your child/ children, with your partner, with your extended family, and with your friends.
Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup. I believe in you and I am rooting for you.
