You’ve just had your first baby, and it’s been amazing. But it’s also left you with a lot of questions about our relationship. How do you keep the spark alive when so much has changed? What if you don’t get enough time alone together? What if you’re not feeling sexual anymore? What if you’re just not the same person anymore? How do you keep a relationship strong after a baby?
It turns out that there are plenty of ways to keep a relationship strong after a baby. The truth is, they all involve being open and honest with each other. The key to marriage after baby is showing up for each other every day and recognizing that even though things might be different now, that doesn’t mean they’ll stay that way forever. So here are some tips on how to keep intimacy alive and well in your new family life.
Take time to rediscover yourself.
Not only has your household tilted on its axis in a major way after a baby, but you’ve changed significantly. Your body isn’t the same anymore, and your personality has changed, whether minimally or drastically. You may start to feel less comfortable and confident in your skin. This can cause you to alter how you respond to your partner and eventually how he responds to you.
When this happens, you now need to make some time for self-care and do some self-reflection. It might be hard at first since we’re not usually particular about facing things that cause us to feel vulnerable. This vulnerability, however, isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s simply a recognition that you’re on unfamiliar grounds and your first instinct is to try and protect yourself.
After self-reflection, comes a rediscovery of who you are, what your needs are, and what you like/dislike. One of the most effective ways I’ve found to do this is to use positive self-love affirmations. Self-love affirmation quotes are exceptional tools we can use to remind ourselves daily of who we are and how we feel about ourselves. Not only do they boost moods, but they also aid in building confidence in both your mind and body.
Talk about what you're feeling, even if it's hard.
I know we’ve all heard repeatedly that communication is key and as cliché as it may be, I’m going to add it here and say that communication is key. You cannot fix a problem in a relationship if the problem hasn’t been addressed.
Talking about your feelings is the first step to dealing with them. It’s also important to remember that your partner is not a mind reader. Even if they know you well, you may want to think they know what you’re thinking, but it doesn’t mean they do. In the same breath, try not to make assumptions about what your partner is thinking or feeling.
Here’s one of the best ways I’ve found that works when it comes to communicating with my partner. The first step is to be clear about how you’re feeling. How can you do that? You can do that by not talking out of anger or frustration. Take time to assess how you’re feeling and what it is you want to say. When you’ve cataloged all the things you want to discuss, you choose a moment with little to no distractions and begin. Sometimes all you need to do is start.
With the added benefit of having already thought about all the points you want to be addressed, the conversation will be easier to navigate without leaving any stone unturned.
This is also a perfect time to talk about your needs and find out what the needs of your partner are. Your love language may still be the same as before, or it may have changed. It’s important to acknowledge that there are specific ways you want to be loved. Once you’ve done this, be open and willing to try and see how best you can both accommodate these needs; working as a team to build each other up.
Embrace your new normal. Don't try to force old patterns.
Have you found yourself trying to bring things back to the way they once were with your partner? It can be tempting to try and return to your pre-baby relationship, but it’s essential to embrace the new normal. Your life has changed in a big way, and trying to force old patterns will only complicate things.
Now that you’ve recognized you’re not the same person, you have to operate under the guise that your partner has possibly changed too. They may not exhibit the same signs you do so it may be hard for you to see, but things are different for them too.
However, it’s natural for relationships to feel different after having a baby. This presents an opportunity to build a new foundation with each other. Some ways to accomplish this are to:
- Be honest about what’s changed in your relationship, and let go of expectations about what used to be.
- Try doing something different with your partner.
- Be intentional about making time for each other.
- Be compassionate towards each other. Being patient and gentle will give both you and your partner the level of attention and love toward each other that you both need.
Try activities together that are outside of your normal routine and intimacy zones.
With the willingness to embrace the new normal and not force old patterns, this is an excellent time to try lots of new things together. Go out to dinner, try out new restaurants and order fancy drinks (if you’re into that sort of thing). You might even find some fun activities that are free or cheap, like going on hikes or exploring the city at night.
If you find it difficult to go out and about with the same ease pre-baby, it’s time to get creative with activities you can do together at home. Like, looking up fun recipes to try together and enjoying them afterward, having a designated movie night with your favorite drinks and junk food, and sharing each other’s hobbies once in a while.
Sometimes I’ll watch my husband’s favorite sport with him and we both have fun with him trying to explain what’s happening or we make fun bets on who’ll win. Sometimes he’ll listen to an audiobook with me and we laugh about the plot unfolding or discuss who our favorite characters are.
Intimacy is essential when you’re trying to keep a relationship strong after a baby and it comes in many forms. See what it looks like for you and enjoy finding ways to make it happen.
Touch each other every day, even if it's just for a second.
If you embrace the idea that touch is important for bonding, it’s easy to see how even a small touch can make you feel closer to your partner.
Touch is also important for intimacy and sex. We’re all wired to crave physical contact with each other, so if you don’t get any, it can make you feel disconnected from each other, which will have an impact on your relationship overall.
Even when there’s no time for sex or cuddling in bed, there are still ways to connect via touch: holding hands while walking through the grocery store; giving hugs when returning home from work; touching elbows when sitting at the table eating dinner together (or just about anything else). These are all simple things but they add up quickly.
Closing Thoughts
It’s natural to have some tension and conflict in your relationship after having a baby. But if you keep communication open, the two of you can work through it together.
Also, never forget to be compassionate towards your partner. I know this is a blog dedicated to moms but trust me, I’m on to something here. They are going through changes just as you are and taking a moment to acknowledge this can make a world of a difference in how you respond and react in your relationship. It can go a far way in bringing back the love once stolen by resentment and can be the beginning of something new and beautiful. To keep a relationship strong after a baby is no easy feat but I’m rooting for you.
